I know no one so much as looks at this anymore so I really don't care.
I feel like hell. I've FELT like hell. A big, fat, spiraling hell. And I can't tell anyone about it. But every one of my smiles these past... gods know when... are completely fake, and no one notices- or if they do, they don't seem to care.
Let's first start off with my love life: crippling, falling apart, hopeless. I met J.O. on Christmas and we started talking like crazy. A few days later, we went on our first date. Two hours into the date, we decided to become boyfriends. A few weeks pass, and he becomes more edgy and distanced. The next week he dumps me over the phone with a fairly empty excuse. The reason he uses is solid, but everything beforehand makes it lose all grounds. He said he's still not over his previous ex, but he said right as we stepped into the relationship that he gets over his relationships in a couple weeks tops. He stressed that anything between he and Sean are over, but I noticed Sean glaring at me when I met him and smiling at J.O. whenever they were close. He got pissed off when he mentioned the one relationship he had that didn't last over 9 months, but we lasted just a month. The list goes on and on... So I feel completely bleak about ever getting a boyfriend who cares about me if even the person I felt like everything was gonna work out with dumps me.
Next up: My family. My mom pretty much leaves me home alone nearly all week, with the exception of weekends and late evenings. I don't so much mind this, but after days upon days of coming home to an empty house not knowing when anyone will show up, you start to get affected a little. She brought it up once, but since I know that it's part of my job to keep her bipolar under wraps I tell her that I'm completely okay. Also, my dad decided to tell me last week that he and Tarja are now filing for divorce. This is the last marriage that has ever been a part of my everyday life, and it just got destroyed. There is now only one marriage that has lasted in my entire immediate family on both ends, and that's my grandparents. Except my grandpa died five years ago and we think my grandma might be starting to get the onsets of dementia. I'm still struggling with the fact my brother decided to tell me that he refused to include me in his life for the past few years because I'm gay, and in a couple weeks I'll be seeing him and his ex-wife (who I hate, btw) at my nephew's birthday. I'm fully expecting a huge fight going on behind my nephew, because that's always happened at every other family party. I'm hoping to gods that he doesn't notice the fights like I did when I was younger, that furniture and stuff won't be broken as people become cornered and fight back. I also think all but one of my aunts and uncles have disowned me, since they never talk to me on facebook at all and have cancelled plans just when they hear that I'll be there. I don't feel wanted by my family at all, with the exception of my dad (who I still have problems talking with) and mom (though as previously mentioned I rarely see her despite living with her)
Now onto my friends. Chaotic, uncontrollable, stressful as all hell get out. There's not one moment I can think about my friends without wondering if I can even consider talking about one person because I'm not sure if the two have gotten into a massive fight. I'm trying to host a graduation party in June but I can't invite half of my friends because I know that everyone will get into a massive fight and if it's not them then it will be their overprotective parents that fight with my friends. It's not even less than three months from now and I feel sick just imagining what would happen in the meantime. Not even my close friends talk to me that much anymore, they either just don't bother talking to me or depending on the friend will just bitch on and on about every little thing in their lives or worse take other people's problems on themselves. I was just in Boston with my friends both Wednesday and yesterday and the whole time I felt completely out of the loop or just there. I also know that if I tell them any of this they won't really help that much. They'll act all concerned but turn around and continue bitching about their problems to someone else as if I never told them anything. I sometimes wonder if they even realize that the whole time I'm talking to them I'm screaming for a hug or just a little sign that I'm actually wanted by them, because quite frankly I feel superfluous.
Everyone else just doesn't give a shit about me. 'Nough said.
College is just a series of waiting to know if I'm accepted or rejected to somewhere. I've been accepted to SDSU, but I'm waiting on two other colleges for their responses, which can go all the way up to April in waiting. I have no clue if I can afford it, but I know if I don't succeed in getting into college I'm gonna be failure in everyone's eyes.
I don't really feel wanted by anyone. I feel pathetic, useless, and melodramatic. Most of all depressed. I would consider suicide if it wasn't for my dad getting a kidney stone taken out from possible stress a few months back AND now going through a divorce. That's the only thing keeping me, though, since I doubt anyone else would really care if I just vanish. I'm getting sick of wanting to be hit by a car every time I cross the street or contemplating arguing with the MBTA people just so I can freak out and jump in the tracks in retaliation. I can't tell anyone though, because I don't want to forcefully attract attention to myself again. I just wanna fall off the face of the earth...
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
YAY
I don't wanna go back to school. I may be becoming a senior, but honestly, I just want summer to keep on going.
I've also been getting really into cosplay lately. This past month for some reason my friend K.B. got me into this group that does cosplay, I'm not even sure why or how, it just happened. It might be from me hanging out with J.P. in Boston a few times then it grew from there, but now I'm hanging out with all these people across the state and talking on Skype with them practically every day. We go into Boston like every week or so to just run around like idiots. It's really fun. I even met my current boyfriend through them! It was a total matchmaking game that worked out, but K.B. and J.P. smashed me in with this guy called J.R. saying he's also gay and we just meshed together. As it stands, it's kinda difficult for us to be together because he lives an hour away and neither of us can drive yet but we're finding ways. I still worry a little because we're still getting used to each other and- being as neither of us have been in relationships for a while- kinda flirty to other people. I'm still explaining to him that I will never cheat on him except for certain circumstances (Truth or Dare, King's Game, etc.) but it'll work out, I'm sure of it.
The song of the day is The Black Halo by Kamelot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhtW3jZjS9g
I've also been getting really into cosplay lately. This past month for some reason my friend K.B. got me into this group that does cosplay, I'm not even sure why or how, it just happened. It might be from me hanging out with J.P. in Boston a few times then it grew from there, but now I'm hanging out with all these people across the state and talking on Skype with them practically every day. We go into Boston like every week or so to just run around like idiots. It's really fun. I even met my current boyfriend through them! It was a total matchmaking game that worked out, but K.B. and J.P. smashed me in with this guy called J.R. saying he's also gay and we just meshed together. As it stands, it's kinda difficult for us to be together because he lives an hour away and neither of us can drive yet but we're finding ways. I still worry a little because we're still getting used to each other and- being as neither of us have been in relationships for a while- kinda flirty to other people. I'm still explaining to him that I will never cheat on him except for certain circumstances (Truth or Dare, King's Game, etc.) but it'll work out, I'm sure of it.
The song of the day is The Black Halo by Kamelot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhtW3jZjS9g
Monday, July 12, 2010
ConnectiCon!
So I decided to go to ConnectiCon this weekend. I can say that I didn't regret in the slightest.
My mom and I actually headed down on Thursday, though the con opens on Friday. We decided to spend the day prepping for the con itself, because we've been going to cons together for 5 years and knew well enough to take a day off to just get ready because we're going to be drained by the end of the weekend.
Come Friday, I head in at like 7. I have no real plans because no one's really there until midday. At about 10, mom and I meet up to try to set up for Aardvark Tees in the dealer's room. We actually don't have dealers badges this time, so we get denied access for about an hour when the actual Aardvark people show up and bring us in to help out. We've known Aardvark for about 4 years now, so we are kinda close friends at this point.
The dealer's room opens at noon, so we're completely finished by about 11:45 and loiter around. A few minutes before noon, I decide to run to the Cyanide and Happiness booth. I knew only Matt would be there because he's posted it on the explosm website. Just as I sit down at the booth, people start swarming us. I fully intended to be just a person sitting around with Matt, but people started confusing me with the other writers of C+H. After a few minutes of people asking who I am, I finally say I'm Kris. Matt starts cracking up, and I decide to continue because we've deemed it funny. So, I start signing high-fives and drawing comics. They make people laugh and everyone's having a good time. I actually had mixed responses. One girl came up to me and when I told her I was Kris she proceeded to freak out and pretty much decided she was in love with me. Then begins the next five hours when she showed up every few minutes with a huge grin on her face. However, there was also a girl who instantly knew I wasn't Kris so we decided to act as normal.
Eventually, I head to the dance. This is not a dance, I guess. I would call it something of a rave. They're blasting music so loud you can hear it throughout most of the hotel and when you're on the dance floor you are literally pulsing from the sheer vibrations of the music. I start dancing with S.G who's this guy that I hooked up repeatedly during the day as it is, then we start making out and grinding on the dancefloor. I walk away a bit, then come back to dance with him some more. This guy called Nick comes over and we start dancing a bit.
So this is how I dance in text form. By myself or in a group/circle, I let my bellydance and stripping experience come into play. So, I'm very fluid and sensual, using my torso and arms most of the time. It's a very tight dance; I keep all parts of my body very close together most of the time, usually a few inches of seperation so I don't smack into anybody. When I'm in an open space, I start to branch out a little. Like on Saturday I got my hands on a cord and began to dance with it as if it was a poi. When I'm dancing with someone, I move my arms around just a little, let my hands explore their body and it's very calm. When I get ready to make out, I put my head very close to their neck and lean in so our torsos are touching. This is how Nick dances with people; bouncing around in their arms, flailing his head around so his hair whips you in the face, grinning at you (he needed a visit to the doctor terribly badly) and doing this crazy backbend that forces you to hold him. I hated that dance so much... He was a terrible kisser at that.
A bit of dancing by myself and in groups later, I start getting close to this kid who's really cute. I've seen him from afar and think he's really cute albeit a pretty bad dancer. Somehow we end up completely by ourselves and about five feet. We make eye contacts a little then start dancing towards each other very slowly. We then get cut off by a conga line and stare at each other like "...Wtf, really?" Eventually we are about a foot apart and I let my hand brush up against his side. He instantly jumps towards me and we start grinding. Then I honestly don't know which one of us started to kiss the other, but next thing I know we are hardcore making out and grinding on the dancefloor and hands up each other's shirts. This continued for like half an hour.
We eventually break it off then Nick jumps on me and we start dancing again, him because he wanted to and me because I felt obligated for one last dance with him before I leave. He then decides that it would turn me on if he starts choking me. I mean like erotic asphyxiation. On the middle of the dancefloor with my blood pressure soaring because of the extremely heavy beats and dancing. Needless to say I was freaking out a great deal inside. When I pushed his arm aside, he took the liberty of trying to make out with me. I drew the line there and headed off, making sure to kiss the cute kid Evan goodbye.
Come Saturday, I'm now in complete cybergoth. I feel fantastic, I love being in my cybergoth outfit because it's so loose yet so detailed. I head back downstairs and hang out with Matt from C+H a little who is just stunned because he never imagined I would pop up wearing fishnets. I guess so there, Matt.
Eventually, I get a text from J.T. asking if I'm going to this panel about the musical that happened the night before. This is the same J.T. that I had the beastly fight with in February and haven't talked to since then. I sent a email over to him a few days ago asking him about whether he wants his books back soon or not. I ended up not having the books and explained it to him but still offered the possibility of us hanging out at ConnectiCon since he apologized for being so over-the-top during the fight. I'm still stunned nontheless but head over. And there he is, sitting with two of the people I've been going crazy for months, M.C. and C.M. I've known both on Facebook for a while due to Facebook stalking, but only really talked to C.M. before. I fully anticipated M.C. to have a voice similar to mine just by his appearance, but it turns out his voice is pretty high-pitched. I proceed to hang out with them a little and C.M. eventually reveals he's been sleeping in his car for the con. I offer him a shower in my room, which he takes up. One shower later, I head into the bathroom to see him half-naked and I take out my contacts and wipe off some of my makeup for tonight, because I know I'll be sweating up a storm and I don't trust my eyeshadow. Part of me wishes I flirted with him more obviously, but we ended up not doing anything together and just went to the rave.
We start dancing as a group because he told me before that he only dances by himself during raves and I wanted to respect that. J.T. and M.C. show up and we start dancing in a group, C.M. drifting off every once in a while. We all decide to go get a drink, and M.C. starts texting like crazy. I ask him if he's even going to dance, and he says probably. We head back, and I start dancing with him. No making out, though. He heads off, J.T. and I start dancing as a group a little, I try to dance with him but he just hugs me and says that he's messing with me so I don't bother. Eventually, Nick decides to get close. I tense up and tell J.T. about what happened the night before. So whenever Nick got close we started dancing together. Eventually, J.T. and M.C. had to leave, so we all headed over to C.M. for them to say goodbye. Turns out that Nick was there as well trying to dance with C.M. J.T. and I instantly snap into acting as boyfriends as a protection maneuver, which completely confuses M.C. but I give him a look that said "Not really." Eventually, it comes to the end. I still haven't danced with C.M. but I see that Nick starts dancing and ends up making out with him. I am fully ready to punch both of them; C.M. for probably lying to me and Nick for being just disgusting. I leave and get ready for the next day.
Sunday is fairly nondescriptive. I hang out with J.T. a little, talk to C.M. a little, say bye to Matt and head out at about 3.
I would have to say this weekend was amazing. Friday was based off of sex, Saturday off of friendship, and Sunday out of recovery. If we break it down to what mainly happened, I mean. I have to say I greatly enjoyed it!
The song of the day is Ghost Opera by Kamelot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5KpmFXRI2A
My mom and I actually headed down on Thursday, though the con opens on Friday. We decided to spend the day prepping for the con itself, because we've been going to cons together for 5 years and knew well enough to take a day off to just get ready because we're going to be drained by the end of the weekend.
Come Friday, I head in at like 7. I have no real plans because no one's really there until midday. At about 10, mom and I meet up to try to set up for Aardvark Tees in the dealer's room. We actually don't have dealers badges this time, so we get denied access for about an hour when the actual Aardvark people show up and bring us in to help out. We've known Aardvark for about 4 years now, so we are kinda close friends at this point.
The dealer's room opens at noon, so we're completely finished by about 11:45 and loiter around. A few minutes before noon, I decide to run to the Cyanide and Happiness booth. I knew only Matt would be there because he's posted it on the explosm website. Just as I sit down at the booth, people start swarming us. I fully intended to be just a person sitting around with Matt, but people started confusing me with the other writers of C+H. After a few minutes of people asking who I am, I finally say I'm Kris. Matt starts cracking up, and I decide to continue because we've deemed it funny. So, I start signing high-fives and drawing comics. They make people laugh and everyone's having a good time. I actually had mixed responses. One girl came up to me and when I told her I was Kris she proceeded to freak out and pretty much decided she was in love with me. Then begins the next five hours when she showed up every few minutes with a huge grin on her face. However, there was also a girl who instantly knew I wasn't Kris so we decided to act as normal.
Eventually, I head to the dance. This is not a dance, I guess. I would call it something of a rave. They're blasting music so loud you can hear it throughout most of the hotel and when you're on the dance floor you are literally pulsing from the sheer vibrations of the music. I start dancing with S.G who's this guy that I hooked up repeatedly during the day as it is, then we start making out and grinding on the dancefloor. I walk away a bit, then come back to dance with him some more. This guy called Nick comes over and we start dancing a bit.
So this is how I dance in text form. By myself or in a group/circle, I let my bellydance and stripping experience come into play. So, I'm very fluid and sensual, using my torso and arms most of the time. It's a very tight dance; I keep all parts of my body very close together most of the time, usually a few inches of seperation so I don't smack into anybody. When I'm in an open space, I start to branch out a little. Like on Saturday I got my hands on a cord and began to dance with it as if it was a poi. When I'm dancing with someone, I move my arms around just a little, let my hands explore their body and it's very calm. When I get ready to make out, I put my head very close to their neck and lean in so our torsos are touching. This is how Nick dances with people; bouncing around in their arms, flailing his head around so his hair whips you in the face, grinning at you (he needed a visit to the doctor terribly badly) and doing this crazy backbend that forces you to hold him. I hated that dance so much... He was a terrible kisser at that.
A bit of dancing by myself and in groups later, I start getting close to this kid who's really cute. I've seen him from afar and think he's really cute albeit a pretty bad dancer. Somehow we end up completely by ourselves and about five feet. We make eye contacts a little then start dancing towards each other very slowly. We then get cut off by a conga line and stare at each other like "...Wtf, really?" Eventually we are about a foot apart and I let my hand brush up against his side. He instantly jumps towards me and we start grinding. Then I honestly don't know which one of us started to kiss the other, but next thing I know we are hardcore making out and grinding on the dancefloor and hands up each other's shirts. This continued for like half an hour.
We eventually break it off then Nick jumps on me and we start dancing again, him because he wanted to and me because I felt obligated for one last dance with him before I leave. He then decides that it would turn me on if he starts choking me. I mean like erotic asphyxiation. On the middle of the dancefloor with my blood pressure soaring because of the extremely heavy beats and dancing. Needless to say I was freaking out a great deal inside. When I pushed his arm aside, he took the liberty of trying to make out with me. I drew the line there and headed off, making sure to kiss the cute kid Evan goodbye.
Come Saturday, I'm now in complete cybergoth. I feel fantastic, I love being in my cybergoth outfit because it's so loose yet so detailed. I head back downstairs and hang out with Matt from C+H a little who is just stunned because he never imagined I would pop up wearing fishnets. I guess so there, Matt.
Eventually, I get a text from J.T. asking if I'm going to this panel about the musical that happened the night before. This is the same J.T. that I had the beastly fight with in February and haven't talked to since then. I sent a email over to him a few days ago asking him about whether he wants his books back soon or not. I ended up not having the books and explained it to him but still offered the possibility of us hanging out at ConnectiCon since he apologized for being so over-the-top during the fight. I'm still stunned nontheless but head over. And there he is, sitting with two of the people I've been going crazy for months, M.C. and C.M. I've known both on Facebook for a while due to Facebook stalking, but only really talked to C.M. before. I fully anticipated M.C. to have a voice similar to mine just by his appearance, but it turns out his voice is pretty high-pitched. I proceed to hang out with them a little and C.M. eventually reveals he's been sleeping in his car for the con. I offer him a shower in my room, which he takes up. One shower later, I head into the bathroom to see him half-naked and I take out my contacts and wipe off some of my makeup for tonight, because I know I'll be sweating up a storm and I don't trust my eyeshadow. Part of me wishes I flirted with him more obviously, but we ended up not doing anything together and just went to the rave.
We start dancing as a group because he told me before that he only dances by himself during raves and I wanted to respect that. J.T. and M.C. show up and we start dancing in a group, C.M. drifting off every once in a while. We all decide to go get a drink, and M.C. starts texting like crazy. I ask him if he's even going to dance, and he says probably. We head back, and I start dancing with him. No making out, though. He heads off, J.T. and I start dancing as a group a little, I try to dance with him but he just hugs me and says that he's messing with me so I don't bother. Eventually, Nick decides to get close. I tense up and tell J.T. about what happened the night before. So whenever Nick got close we started dancing together. Eventually, J.T. and M.C. had to leave, so we all headed over to C.M. for them to say goodbye. Turns out that Nick was there as well trying to dance with C.M. J.T. and I instantly snap into acting as boyfriends as a protection maneuver, which completely confuses M.C. but I give him a look that said "Not really." Eventually, it comes to the end. I still haven't danced with C.M. but I see that Nick starts dancing and ends up making out with him. I am fully ready to punch both of them; C.M. for probably lying to me and Nick for being just disgusting. I leave and get ready for the next day.
Sunday is fairly nondescriptive. I hang out with J.T. a little, talk to C.M. a little, say bye to Matt and head out at about 3.
I would have to say this weekend was amazing. Friday was based off of sex, Saturday off of friendship, and Sunday out of recovery. If we break it down to what mainly happened, I mean. I have to say I greatly enjoyed it!
The song of the day is Ghost Opera by Kamelot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5KpmFXRI2A
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Headache...
So yesterday I got really bored and decided to jump onto Chatroulette. Now, as some of you may know the website is starting up a penis recognition software that will block any dick-lurkers on the site. I decided to see if it's working and jumped on. Mind you, this is just about midnight. Five minutes and running through about half a million ads later, I end up with this really cute guy holding up a sign saying "I'm a boy." We end up talking, and then flirting, and then talking some more. By 3 in the morning, we were still talking, had each other's facebooks and skypes. We didn't stop talking until about 6 in the morning, when both of us kinda passed out. It was very interesting talking to him, because he actually lives in Brazil in my time zone so we were constantly figuring out the colloquialisms for each other's areas. For example, "-Q" is the equivalent of "lol"
It was very fun and the longest conversation I think I've ever had online, which is hysterical because it was with someone I never even met before. We're now blabbing on facebook a ton, so the world is happy.
Also, earlier today I decided to start studying for my Chinese final on Monday. Normally I would just open my textbook to a random chapter and start reading everything, but since I'm in my dad's house I really don't get the option to do that. So, I remembered of a website called Youku.com, which I think is the Chinese equivalent of Youtube. I go on and start watching this random Chinese kid's video. Two seconds into the movie, they whip out entirely Spanish opening credits. I was completely confused, but skipped ahead to see if it was in Spanish. It turns out to be Chinese with Spanish subtitles. I'm now sitting there utterly lost because I forgot that kid movies involve people running around at high speeds and talking like a fuckin' machine gun. Apparently in Asia, this is the norm so they decided to crank up the speed. When I say speed I'm insinuating that they snorted up some 'speed' or 'crack' and decided to start voice acting these characters on LSD. I'm now trying to read the Spanish subtitles and listen to this Chinese jargon that sounds like one gigantic word (I mean by it sounds like "喂我不喜欢说汉语还是说西半语我喜欢吃男朋友和小孩子分你们都不认识这个汉字你妈妈FUCKYOUALL." Yeah, you understand that? Neither do I.) when my dad and stepmom decide to run in. If that doesn't make anything better, my stepmom also likes to scream out in her native language: Finnish.
Dad: We're going to Walmart! 8D
Tarja: Jöö, tuttanne sinä vittupää!
Dad: LET'S GO NOW, BIOTCH.
Video: 你喜欢吸烟吗我喜欢跟我来我们喜欢五十年!
Subtitles: Me gusta comer mucho pene!
Dad: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING?!
Tarja: Let's go to Walmart! 8D Sinä olet hoora!
Video: 你们都吸男还是吃男我不认识为什么吃男太好了!
Subtitles: Chuleta de cerdo?
To make things worse, I think the ad to the right of the video was in Japanese... I have such a huge headache now.
The song of the day is Jazz Horse from Weebls-Stuff.com
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Jazz+Horse/
It was very fun and the longest conversation I think I've ever had online, which is hysterical because it was with someone I never even met before. We're now blabbing on facebook a ton, so the world is happy.
Also, earlier today I decided to start studying for my Chinese final on Monday. Normally I would just open my textbook to a random chapter and start reading everything, but since I'm in my dad's house I really don't get the option to do that. So, I remembered of a website called Youku.com, which I think is the Chinese equivalent of Youtube. I go on and start watching this random Chinese kid's video. Two seconds into the movie, they whip out entirely Spanish opening credits. I was completely confused, but skipped ahead to see if it was in Spanish. It turns out to be Chinese with Spanish subtitles. I'm now sitting there utterly lost because I forgot that kid movies involve people running around at high speeds and talking like a fuckin' machine gun. Apparently in Asia, this is the norm so they decided to crank up the speed. When I say speed I'm insinuating that they snorted up some 'speed' or 'crack' and decided to start voice acting these characters on LSD. I'm now trying to read the Spanish subtitles and listen to this Chinese jargon that sounds like one gigantic word (I mean by it sounds like "喂我不喜欢说汉语还是说西半语我喜欢吃男朋友和小孩子分你们都不认识这个汉字你妈妈FUCKYOUALL." Yeah, you understand that? Neither do I.) when my dad and stepmom decide to run in. If that doesn't make anything better, my stepmom also likes to scream out in her native language: Finnish.
Dad: We're going to Walmart! 8D
Tarja: Jöö, tuttanne sinä vittupää!
Dad: LET'S GO NOW, BIOTCH.
Video: 你喜欢吸烟吗我喜欢跟我来我们喜欢五十年!
Subtitles: Me gusta comer mucho pene!
Dad: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING?!
Tarja: Let's go to Walmart! 8D Sinä olet hoora!
Video: 你们都吸男还是吃男我不认识为什么吃男太好了!
Subtitles: Chuleta de cerdo?
To make things worse, I think the ad to the right of the video was in Japanese... I have such a huge headache now.
The song of the day is Jazz Horse from Weebls-Stuff.com
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Jazz+Horse/
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Gay Pride!
Saturday was Gay Pride Parade.
I woke up at 6 to get into full cybergoth, which involved tons of shaving and putting on makeup. The entire process took about 2.5 hours but came out INCREDIBLE. I had so many compliments on pretty much every aspect of my outfit, which made me feel good because this is my first time going nearly entirely full-cyber. The only thing I was missing was a surgeon mask, which was intentional because it's not so easy speaking in them and I don't want to worry about where it is at any given time.
I get to the parade at about 10ish, no one's there by this time because it actually begins at like 11:30. After about an hour of waiting, people start popping up out of nowhere. The thing about gay pride parades you always hear about but don't really have a clue of what the reality is like is the way people truly are. I'm in nearly full cybergoth, like tons of makeup, fishnets, black and white stripes, blue hair, and I look sane compared to some of these people. I saw people dressed up as horses driving people around, the most insane drag (like harlequin-esque drag, ones with tons of feathers, etc.), people dressed up as insects on stilts, and so much more.
At like 11:15, I was talking to J.F. (who I'm pretty sure hates me because I'm constantly in like this pre-dating stage with A.H-O. where we will hold hands and cuddle and flirt for no reason and J.F. clearly likes A.H-O. a great deal. I kinda feel like J.F.'s T.B., which is very infuriating for me and I feel so sorry for him.) and my chorus teacher M.M. walks up out of nowhere. I stare at him blankly for a couple seconds.
Me: Mr. M.?!
Mr. M.: *Stares at me* Alex?! Wow, you look... different!
Me: Yeah, I decided to go cybergoth today, which is why my hair's not red right now.
Mr. M.: Wow...
Me: So what are you doing here?
Mr. M.: Well, I'm hanging out with a few friends.
Me: Marching?
Mr. M.: GOTTA GO.
It was kinda awkward, kinda awesome at the same time.
Parade aside because it's just kinda generic for me by now, we finish in front of city hall at some kind of fair thing, which is where Gay Pride continues. My group and I RUN to the nearest abandoned booth and set up shop there because it's on the verge of pouring at this time. Two minutes later it begins. I spend the next half hour curled up in this little booth next to the Cirque Du Soleil people, when it finally lets up. During this time I took off my wig because it's just a pain to take care of if there's constant rain. When the rain cleared up, I went out with A.F. and a few other people, ran into some guy called Colby, instantly wanted to just throw myself at him (Like this guy was smoking hot and goth)
Eventually A.H-O. called and I gave him directions to our area because he was busy dealing with shit for the past few hours.
A.H.: Where am I?!
Me: Government center.
A.H.: I'm outside, where are you?!
Me: What do you see?
A.H.: I see a huge rainbow arch.
Me: THAT IS NOT HELPFUL.
A.H.: It's away from the city hall!
Me: THAT'S STILL NOT HELPFUL. WHICH EDGE OF THE STATION ARE YOU AT?!
A.H.: I don't know! I'm outside it!
Me: Do you see fishnets?!
A.H.: Oh, okay. I see you.
Me: *Head/cellphone*
We then proceed to spend the next long while hanging out. After a while I mention how horny I am and how I want to get fucked today. We start talking a bit about sex, then I bring up how I would love to have sex with him but figure that he wouldn't be interested. He responds with "I am pretty interested, but there's just a couple complications I have about it." He proceeds to list them, which makes no sense to me but whatever.
Time passes, we run into a few people including this girl called AI, J.F., and A.F. We spend the next couple hours talking with these people, I try to find a place when I can ask A.H-O. if he does want to have sex before we go to this club that night, which I don't. At some point, a couple guys from our group show up and we talk with them. I go behind A.H-O. and wrap my arms around him, then we start holding hands for about 10 minutes. It was really... nice. It's one of those things that I love; holding hands. It's completely platonic yet so intimate at the same time. I wish we held hands for longer, but J.F. was starting to look all upset and A.H-O. let go upon noticing his facial expression.
This entire time I'm extremely cold. I'm in mostly fishnets and thin clothes, with the exception of combat boots and tripp shorts, and it's about 60 degrees out and windy. C.F. shows up and starts to hit on me. I let him because he's incredibly warm and when he wraps his arms around me I become all toasty. I also borrow A.H-O's jacket along the way. According to C.F. (who's kind of a nymphomaniac), I have the perfect butt for bottoming, which makes me feel pretty proud of my butt.
More time passes, A.F., AI, A.H-O. and I head off to this gay youth club. We hang out some more, J.F. pops up out of nowhere. I ask A.H-O. again if he's interested in sex, he repeats that he has complications, so I just let it drop.
Moving ahead, we got into the club as the first people. It was strangely empty, which made sense because we WERE the first people in there, but still. People started trickling in over time, and I started grinding with A.F.
The entire club thing wasn't that exciting in itself with the exception of awkward meetings with people from my school and being called out by Sariah (apparently semi-famous musician, constantly heard in Abercrombie & Fitch) for my makeup, so let's fast forward to 10ish.
A.H-O, a few people and I leave the club to get to the train station. This kid David's train leaves in fifteen minutes at the station about 10 minutes away, so he starts running. We start running after him, and mid-travel we start talking. Somewhere along the line, David asks A.H-O. and I if we're dating. My eyes just bug out and A.H-O. was just like "Uhh... no." Eventually we get to the place outside of the train station and David runs ahead in a panic. A.H-O. and I hang back a little and hold each other a little, ending in a kiss goodbye. Now I'm just effin' confused about whether A.H-O. is interested in me or is stringing me along, because he's a sexaholic but won't sleep with me, will cuddle and hold hands with me, kiss me goodbye, but he also will hold hands and cuddle with girls. I'm just annoyed at my confusion because it makes me feel pathetic. Gods dammit, I hate liking people.
MOVING ON.
So, I'm at the subway station with David, he's freaking shit because his train leaves in like 10 minutes and the subway takes about that time to get to the train station. Suddenly, this guy pops up behind us.
(So you know, quotations will be David and I whispering to each other)
Guy: Hey, I remember you! You were wearing that makeup at the gay pride parade!
Me: Yeah, small world!
David: *Immediately starts giggling nervously*
Guy: Yeah, that was a fun parade. And I see you met someone!
David: Yeah, hi. (Do you know this guy?)
Me: (Not a fucking clue, fucking SKETCH.) Yup, we met at the club.
Guy: Oooh, nice. And I see you're going the same way. Meeting up at his house, eh? *Points at David and winks, nudges me a little with his elbow*
Me: Yeah, something like that.
David: *Starts seriously curling in a little ball giggling.
Guy: Have any plans for tonight?
Me: Not sure... *Starts playing along with Guy* Maybe head off with this guy. (Why is he so INTERESTED?!)
David: (I don't know!)
Me: (AAAAGH.)
David: (FUCKING CREEPER.)
This continues on for a little while, and eventually the subway shows up so David and I start full-on charging into the subway hoping that Guy is going on the one going the opposite direction. He does, so we're happy. Well, I am. David's pissed and letting everyone know because his train leaves in a few minutes and the subway doors are refusing to close.
We eventually get to the train station, I discover that the next train to my town leaves at 11:30, it's about 10:30, and his train is still boarding for some reason. He leaves, I just sit down and wait.
12:30 comes, I finally enter the doorway to my house. My mom is pissed that I was half an hour late without any notice (my cell died around 9 and no one was going to lend me their phone) so now I can't go to group meeting on Wednesday.
I absolutely loved Saturday except for one thing: now I don't know how A.H-O. thinks of me. I want to ask him, but I'm worried that it would just jeopardize the friendship and I risked that enough by asking for sex. I hate this kind of limbo stage... I might just ask K.V. or T.K-H. to talk to him and ask what he feels for me, because they're the awesome girl friends that could probably find out.
The song of the day is without a doubt "Deep N Luv" by Sariah, because this was the awesome performance she did Saturday night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yVkXq2RiVU
I woke up at 6 to get into full cybergoth, which involved tons of shaving and putting on makeup. The entire process took about 2.5 hours but came out INCREDIBLE. I had so many compliments on pretty much every aspect of my outfit, which made me feel good because this is my first time going nearly entirely full-cyber. The only thing I was missing was a surgeon mask, which was intentional because it's not so easy speaking in them and I don't want to worry about where it is at any given time.
I get to the parade at about 10ish, no one's there by this time because it actually begins at like 11:30. After about an hour of waiting, people start popping up out of nowhere. The thing about gay pride parades you always hear about but don't really have a clue of what the reality is like is the way people truly are. I'm in nearly full cybergoth, like tons of makeup, fishnets, black and white stripes, blue hair, and I look sane compared to some of these people. I saw people dressed up as horses driving people around, the most insane drag (like harlequin-esque drag, ones with tons of feathers, etc.), people dressed up as insects on stilts, and so much more.
At like 11:15, I was talking to J.F. (who I'm pretty sure hates me because I'm constantly in like this pre-dating stage with A.H-O. where we will hold hands and cuddle and flirt for no reason and J.F. clearly likes A.H-O. a great deal. I kinda feel like J.F.'s T.B., which is very infuriating for me and I feel so sorry for him.) and my chorus teacher M.M. walks up out of nowhere. I stare at him blankly for a couple seconds.
Me: Mr. M.?!
Mr. M.: *Stares at me* Alex?! Wow, you look... different!
Me: Yeah, I decided to go cybergoth today, which is why my hair's not red right now.
Mr. M.: Wow...
Me: So what are you doing here?
Mr. M.: Well, I'm hanging out with a few friends.
Me: Marching?
Mr. M.: GOTTA GO.
It was kinda awkward, kinda awesome at the same time.
Parade aside because it's just kinda generic for me by now, we finish in front of city hall at some kind of fair thing, which is where Gay Pride continues. My group and I RUN to the nearest abandoned booth and set up shop there because it's on the verge of pouring at this time. Two minutes later it begins. I spend the next half hour curled up in this little booth next to the Cirque Du Soleil people, when it finally lets up. During this time I took off my wig because it's just a pain to take care of if there's constant rain. When the rain cleared up, I went out with A.F. and a few other people, ran into some guy called Colby, instantly wanted to just throw myself at him (Like this guy was smoking hot and goth)
Eventually A.H-O. called and I gave him directions to our area because he was busy dealing with shit for the past few hours.
A.H.: Where am I?!
Me: Government center.
A.H.: I'm outside, where are you?!
Me: What do you see?
A.H.: I see a huge rainbow arch.
Me: THAT IS NOT HELPFUL.
A.H.: It's away from the city hall!
Me: THAT'S STILL NOT HELPFUL. WHICH EDGE OF THE STATION ARE YOU AT?!
A.H.: I don't know! I'm outside it!
Me: Do you see fishnets?!
A.H.: Oh, okay. I see you.
Me: *Head/cellphone*
We then proceed to spend the next long while hanging out. After a while I mention how horny I am and how I want to get fucked today. We start talking a bit about sex, then I bring up how I would love to have sex with him but figure that he wouldn't be interested. He responds with "I am pretty interested, but there's just a couple complications I have about it." He proceeds to list them, which makes no sense to me but whatever.
Time passes, we run into a few people including this girl called AI, J.F., and A.F. We spend the next couple hours talking with these people, I try to find a place when I can ask A.H-O. if he does want to have sex before we go to this club that night, which I don't. At some point, a couple guys from our group show up and we talk with them. I go behind A.H-O. and wrap my arms around him, then we start holding hands for about 10 minutes. It was really... nice. It's one of those things that I love; holding hands. It's completely platonic yet so intimate at the same time. I wish we held hands for longer, but J.F. was starting to look all upset and A.H-O. let go upon noticing his facial expression.
This entire time I'm extremely cold. I'm in mostly fishnets and thin clothes, with the exception of combat boots and tripp shorts, and it's about 60 degrees out and windy. C.F. shows up and starts to hit on me. I let him because he's incredibly warm and when he wraps his arms around me I become all toasty. I also borrow A.H-O's jacket along the way. According to C.F. (who's kind of a nymphomaniac), I have the perfect butt for bottoming, which makes me feel pretty proud of my butt.
More time passes, A.F., AI, A.H-O. and I head off to this gay youth club. We hang out some more, J.F. pops up out of nowhere. I ask A.H-O. again if he's interested in sex, he repeats that he has complications, so I just let it drop.
Moving ahead, we got into the club as the first people. It was strangely empty, which made sense because we WERE the first people in there, but still. People started trickling in over time, and I started grinding with A.F.
The entire club thing wasn't that exciting in itself with the exception of awkward meetings with people from my school and being called out by Sariah (apparently semi-famous musician, constantly heard in Abercrombie & Fitch) for my makeup, so let's fast forward to 10ish.
A.H-O, a few people and I leave the club to get to the train station. This kid David's train leaves in fifteen minutes at the station about 10 minutes away, so he starts running. We start running after him, and mid-travel we start talking. Somewhere along the line, David asks A.H-O. and I if we're dating. My eyes just bug out and A.H-O. was just like "Uhh... no." Eventually we get to the place outside of the train station and David runs ahead in a panic. A.H-O. and I hang back a little and hold each other a little, ending in a kiss goodbye. Now I'm just effin' confused about whether A.H-O. is interested in me or is stringing me along, because he's a sexaholic but won't sleep with me, will cuddle and hold hands with me, kiss me goodbye, but he also will hold hands and cuddle with girls. I'm just annoyed at my confusion because it makes me feel pathetic. Gods dammit, I hate liking people.
MOVING ON.
So, I'm at the subway station with David, he's freaking shit because his train leaves in like 10 minutes and the subway takes about that time to get to the train station. Suddenly, this guy pops up behind us.
(So you know, quotations will be David and I whispering to each other)
Guy: Hey, I remember you! You were wearing that makeup at the gay pride parade!
Me: Yeah, small world!
David: *Immediately starts giggling nervously*
Guy: Yeah, that was a fun parade. And I see you met someone!
David: Yeah, hi. (Do you know this guy?)
Me: (Not a fucking clue, fucking SKETCH.) Yup, we met at the club.
Guy: Oooh, nice. And I see you're going the same way. Meeting up at his house, eh? *Points at David and winks, nudges me a little with his elbow*
Me: Yeah, something like that.
David: *Starts seriously curling in a little ball giggling.
Guy: Have any plans for tonight?
Me: Not sure... *Starts playing along with Guy* Maybe head off with this guy. (Why is he so INTERESTED?!)
David: (I don't know!)
Me: (AAAAGH.)
David: (FUCKING CREEPER.)
This continues on for a little while, and eventually the subway shows up so David and I start full-on charging into the subway hoping that Guy is going on the one going the opposite direction. He does, so we're happy. Well, I am. David's pissed and letting everyone know because his train leaves in a few minutes and the subway doors are refusing to close.
We eventually get to the train station, I discover that the next train to my town leaves at 11:30, it's about 10:30, and his train is still boarding for some reason. He leaves, I just sit down and wait.
12:30 comes, I finally enter the doorway to my house. My mom is pissed that I was half an hour late without any notice (my cell died around 9 and no one was going to lend me their phone) so now I can't go to group meeting on Wednesday.
I absolutely loved Saturday except for one thing: now I don't know how A.H-O. thinks of me. I want to ask him, but I'm worried that it would just jeopardize the friendship and I risked that enough by asking for sex. I hate this kind of limbo stage... I might just ask K.V. or T.K-H. to talk to him and ask what he feels for me, because they're the awesome girl friends that could probably find out.
The song of the day is without a doubt "Deep N Luv" by Sariah, because this was the awesome performance she did Saturday night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yVkXq2RiVU
Sunday, June 6, 2010
You guys probably all know about how much I hit on people. It's fun for me, makes me feel alive and attractive. Especially when I get something back. A.F. is someone who makes me feel alive, because we are able to act as friends but when we're alone then we start making out and being in each other's arms. A.H-O. is someone I actually like, I text him from time to time, I'm trying to start calling him, and I throw in the occasional flirt every once in a while despite the fact that it'll probably never work out. A.Z. is someone that I flirt with just for the hell of it, maybe because he'd be good for a hookup or a date. G.R. is someone that I flirt with over the internet just for the hell of it.
However, there's one guy who above everyone else that I feel the most regret for. J.T. used to be one of my closest friends, I could tell him about anything and he wouldn't care. He knows some of the worst things I've ever done and he looked past it. The problem is that he changed when he went to college. Before he used to be extremely sweet and a bit of a pushover, but when he noticed the latter he started to close himself off and become more...argumentative. It became a huge struggle just to say "Hi" to him and he always acted as if he was always wanted by a million people, that he was always busy going to people's houses. It hurt, I wanted to feel like I was the friend at the moment, not the plans with Hannah or Michelle. I knew it was selfish of me, but it does hurt a little when the phone suddenly rings and he's like "OH, SHIT. I need to go to. Sorry, Alex!" then drops me off to disappear for another week.
About five months ago, I got sick of the difficulty it takes to even hang out with him. I told him about how I just want a little more contact between us, even just a text every once in a while saying "Hey, I miss you." He flipped at this then threatened the friendship. I flipped at that, and have only talked to him once ever since then.
I was so pissed off, then. I don't take easily to people telling me whether I have to decide about the friendship because they don't care anymore or telling me to decide between one person or another. I take it as a sign that they put little value on the friendship itself, so I get extremely offended.
This changed a couple weeks ago when I saw him again. I finally managed to forget his face, his voice. Then he walked into the middle of GSA and started talking to people. I had to leave immediately because I felt sick from it. Now, he's back in my mind. I have dreams when he just arrives at my house and hugs me like everything's okay, where we can kiss each other on the cheek again. I have a bunch of his books that I need to return, but I'm so afraid of giving them back because it'd involve seeing him again. However, he's probably going to show up at everyone's graduation tomorrow then GSA on Wednesday. I don't know how I'm going to act, how he's going to act. It feels like two exes meeting each other again, except instead of a romantic ex he's a friendly ex.
I miss him so much.
The song of the day has to be "Underneath It All" by No Doubt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTRTnxzp6X0
However, there's one guy who above everyone else that I feel the most regret for. J.T. used to be one of my closest friends, I could tell him about anything and he wouldn't care. He knows some of the worst things I've ever done and he looked past it. The problem is that he changed when he went to college. Before he used to be extremely sweet and a bit of a pushover, but when he noticed the latter he started to close himself off and become more...argumentative. It became a huge struggle just to say "Hi" to him and he always acted as if he was always wanted by a million people, that he was always busy going to people's houses. It hurt, I wanted to feel like I was the friend at the moment, not the plans with Hannah or Michelle. I knew it was selfish of me, but it does hurt a little when the phone suddenly rings and he's like "OH, SHIT. I need to go to
About five months ago, I got sick of the difficulty it takes to even hang out with him. I told him about how I just want a little more contact between us, even just a text every once in a while saying "Hey, I miss you." He flipped at this then threatened the friendship. I flipped at that, and have only talked to him once ever since then.
I was so pissed off, then. I don't take easily to people telling me whether I have to decide about the friendship because they don't care anymore or telling me to decide between one person or another. I take it as a sign that they put little value on the friendship itself, so I get extremely offended.
This changed a couple weeks ago when I saw him again. I finally managed to forget his face, his voice. Then he walked into the middle of GSA and started talking to people. I had to leave immediately because I felt sick from it. Now, he's back in my mind. I have dreams when he just arrives at my house and hugs me like everything's okay, where we can kiss each other on the cheek again. I have a bunch of his books that I need to return, but I'm so afraid of giving them back because it'd involve seeing him again. However, he's probably going to show up at everyone's graduation tomorrow then GSA on Wednesday. I don't know how I'm going to act, how he's going to act. It feels like two exes meeting each other again, except instead of a romantic ex he's a friendly ex.
I miss him so much.
The song of the day has to be "Underneath It All" by No Doubt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTRTnxzp6X0
Thursday, June 3, 2010
THAT WAS NOT RIGHT.
I've recently discovered one of the worst things that can happen between you and a teacher. It's really funny in an intensely ironic poetic justice way.
So this one guy I've been sexting/flirting with on and off for about a year now, his name is G.R. He's a few years older than me, so since he was the first guy of any significant age that I flirted with, everyone else being only a couple years older than me. This was before my now-21-year-old ex P.R., by the way. So little while ago I was talking to someone and they brought up how my old math teacher Mr. R. is G.R.'s dad. I see Mr. R. every day and he is incredibly friendly.
This is what goes on in my mind every time I pass by him:
Mr.R.: Hi! How are you?
Me: Hi! I saw your son naked!
I'm not even sure if he realizes his son is bi... I'm heavily considering telling him that I sexted his son when I graduate, but that would be such a terrible idea in so many ways.
Also, last night I was at BAGLY and T.K-H was there for the first time in a while. Eventually, we decided to head to the train to go home, so goodbye hugs, kisses and nearly shoving my hand down A.H-O's pants (jk! kinda...) later, T.K-H and I are walking to the orange line. Along the way, we pass by these two hobos going down on each other.
Guy Hobo: *moving down on girl hobo*
Girl Hobo: Oh, yeah, baby!
T.K-H.: D8! THIS IS DISGUSTING.
Little Girl: Mommy, what are those bundle of clothes doing to each other?
Mom: I think I just caught airborne syphilis...
Girl Hobo: OOOOH YEAAAH
Me: Let's...just...run.
It was mildly disturbing to say the least.
After getting to the train, I lay around on my seat with my bag right next to me. I notice the sign right across from me saying, "PLEASE KEEP FEET AND PARCELS OFF THE SEATS." Oops. So the conductor comes by, I give him my ticket and student ID because I get half off on school days. He stares at me, looks at my ticket, looks at me and says, "Sorry, this only works before 8. It's 10:35."
Me: I never knew that!
Conductor: Well, you need to pay up!
Me: I don't have any money anymore, how could I at 17 years old?!
Conductor: Do you want me to call the police?
Me: *Fake-breakdown*
Conductor: Okay, I'll ignore it for this time. You do this again, though, and you're gonna be arrested and fined $500.
Me: That's pretty intense for a student.
Conductor: YEAH. DON'T GET TOO HAPPY.
That was just disturbing. Why does my line get all of the conductors who actually still care about their job?
The song of the day is the Fanny Pack song, because I've had it stuck in my head for the past two days for no reason whatsoever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2UuXY7-FII
So this one guy I've been sexting/flirting with on and off for about a year now, his name is G.R. He's a few years older than me, so since he was the first guy of any significant age that I flirted with, everyone else being only a couple years older than me. This was before my now-21-year-old ex P.R., by the way. So little while ago I was talking to someone and they brought up how my old math teacher Mr. R. is G.R.'s dad. I see Mr. R. every day and he is incredibly friendly.
This is what goes on in my mind every time I pass by him:
Mr.R.: Hi! How are you?
Me: Hi! I saw your son naked!
I'm not even sure if he realizes his son is bi... I'm heavily considering telling him that I sexted his son when I graduate, but that would be such a terrible idea in so many ways.
Also, last night I was at BAGLY and T.K-H was there for the first time in a while. Eventually, we decided to head to the train to go home, so goodbye hugs, kisses and nearly shoving my hand down A.H-O's pants (jk! kinda...) later, T.K-H and I are walking to the orange line. Along the way, we pass by these two hobos going down on each other.
Guy Hobo: *moving down on girl hobo*
Girl Hobo: Oh, yeah, baby!
T.K-H.: D8! THIS IS DISGUSTING.
Little Girl: Mommy, what are those bundle of clothes doing to each other?
Mom: I think I just caught airborne syphilis...
Girl Hobo: OOOOH YEAAAH
Me: Let's...just...run.
It was mildly disturbing to say the least.
After getting to the train, I lay around on my seat with my bag right next to me. I notice the sign right across from me saying, "PLEASE KEEP FEET AND PARCELS OFF THE SEATS." Oops. So the conductor comes by, I give him my ticket and student ID because I get half off on school days. He stares at me, looks at my ticket, looks at me and says, "Sorry, this only works before 8. It's 10:35."
Me: I never knew that!
Conductor: Well, you need to pay up!
Me: I don't have any money anymore, how could I at 17 years old?!
Conductor: Do you want me to call the police?
Me: *Fake-breakdown*
Conductor: Okay, I'll ignore it for this time. You do this again, though, and you're gonna be arrested and fined $500.
Me: That's pretty intense for a student.
Conductor: YEAH. DON'T GET TOO HAPPY.
That was just disturbing. Why does my line get all of the conductors who actually still care about their job?
The song of the day is the Fanny Pack song, because I've had it stuck in my head for the past two days for no reason whatsoever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2UuXY7-FII
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