I know no one so much as looks at this anymore so I really don't care.
I feel like hell. I've FELT like hell. A big, fat, spiraling hell. And I can't tell anyone about it. But every one of my smiles these past... gods know when... are completely fake, and no one notices- or if they do, they don't seem to care.

Let's first start off with my love life: crippling, falling apart, hopeless. I met J.O. on Christmas and we started talking like crazy. A few days later, we went on our first date. Two hours into the date, we decided to become boyfriends. A few weeks pass, and he becomes more edgy and distanced. The next week he dumps me over the phone with a fairly empty excuse. The reason he uses is solid, but everything beforehand makes it lose all grounds. He said he's still not over his previous ex, but he said right as we stepped into the relationship that he gets over his relationships in a couple weeks tops. He stressed that anything between he and Sean are over, but I noticed Sean glaring at me when I met him and smiling at J.O. whenever they were close. He got pissed off when he mentioned the one relationship he had that didn't last over 9 months, but we lasted just a month. The list goes on and on... So I feel completely bleak about ever getting a boyfriend who cares about me if even the person I felt like everything was gonna work out with dumps me.

Next up: My family. My mom pretty much leaves me home alone nearly all week, with the exception of weekends and late evenings. I don't so much mind this, but after days upon days of coming home to an empty house not knowing when anyone will show up, you start to get affected a little. She brought it up once, but since I know that it's part of my job to keep her bipolar under wraps I tell her that I'm completely okay. Also, my dad decided to tell me last week that he and Tarja are now filing for divorce. This is the last marriage that has ever been a part of my everyday life, and it just got destroyed. There is now only one marriage that has lasted in my entire immediate family on both ends, and that's my grandparents. Except my grandpa died five years ago and we think my grandma might be starting to get the onsets of dementia. I'm still struggling with the fact my brother decided to tell me that he refused to include me in his life for the past few years because I'm gay, and in a couple weeks I'll be seeing him and his ex-wife (who I hate, btw) at my nephew's birthday. I'm fully expecting a huge fight going on behind my nephew, because that's always happened at every other family party. I'm hoping to gods that he doesn't notice the fights like I did when I was younger, that furniture and stuff won't be broken as people become cornered and fight back. I also think all but one of my aunts and uncles have disowned me, since they never talk to me on facebook at all and have cancelled plans just when they hear that I'll be there. I don't feel wanted by my family at all, with the exception of my dad (who I still have problems talking with) and mom (though as previously mentioned I rarely see her despite living with her)

Now onto my friends. Chaotic, uncontrollable, stressful as all hell get out. There's not one moment I can think about my friends without wondering if I can even consider talking about one person because I'm not sure if the two have gotten into a massive fight. I'm trying to host a graduation party in June but I can't invite half of my friends because I know that everyone will get into a massive fight and if it's not them then it will be their overprotective parents that fight with my friends. It's not even less than three months from now and I feel sick just imagining what would happen in the meantime. Not even my close friends talk to me that much anymore, they either just don't bother talking to me or depending on the friend will just bitch on and on about every little thing in their lives or worse take other people's problems on themselves. I was just in Boston with my friends both Wednesday and yesterday and the whole time I felt completely out of the loop or just there. I also know that if I tell them any of this they won't really help that much. They'll act all concerned but turn around and continue bitching about their problems to someone else as if I never told them anything. I sometimes wonder if they even realize that the whole time I'm talking to them I'm screaming for a hug or just a little sign that I'm actually wanted by them, because quite frankly I feel superfluous.

Everyone else just doesn't give a shit about me. 'Nough said.

College is just a series of waiting to know if I'm accepted or rejected to somewhere. I've been accepted to SDSU, but I'm waiting on two other colleges for their responses, which can go all the way up to April in waiting. I have no clue if I can afford it, but I know if I don't succeed in getting into college I'm gonna be failure in everyone's eyes.


I don't really feel wanted by anyone. I feel pathetic, useless, and melodramatic. Most of all depressed. I would consider suicide if it wasn't for my dad getting a kidney stone taken out from possible stress a few months back AND now going through a divorce. That's the only thing keeping me, though, since I doubt anyone else would really care if I just vanish. I'm getting sick of wanting to be hit by a car every time I cross the street or contemplating arguing with the MBTA people just so I can freak out and jump in the tracks in retaliation. I can't tell anyone though, because I don't want to forcefully attract attention to myself again. I just wanna fall off the face of the earth...